I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”