I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Smile they said.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.