I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
You Might Also Like
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest