Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
the noise i just made
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
never deleting this app.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear