TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
The prophecy is fulfilled
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
From Facebook just now…
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.