Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
You Might Also Like
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
He’s dead
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore