I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
You Might Also Like
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter