[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.