The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
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Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
happy valentine’s day to me
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.