*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
You Might Also Like
A woman drives into a bar.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.