All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
You Might Also Like
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Whoa… oh I see lol
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.