We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep