Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
You Might Also Like
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?