Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse