Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.