So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I had to Stop for this
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.