And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Wake me when AI does housework
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in