Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Science memes
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.