One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
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Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?