Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
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confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Thrilling chase underway
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me