I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.