During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
You Might Also Like
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home