Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
is this a threat
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.