*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
im 7 sauces long
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.