If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
You Might Also Like
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I hope they boil the right one.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
This came to me in a dream.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.