You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
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*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
The biggest mystery of our time
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas