her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
The Weeknd is back
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children