Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away