i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.