*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
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The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
They did not think through this water fountain
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.