Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
i really liked this one
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”