my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Every house has this drawer
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
first you must answer his riddles
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.