Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
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If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
She: I like Cats
He:
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.