Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
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me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
found this cool rock hiking today
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.