angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.