I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
#Thanos #MondayMood
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…