The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym