In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer