My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
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Worst Native American name ever.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
🤣🤣🤣
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day