I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
#Caturday