reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*