kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.