it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
i love meeting boys on tinder
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Damn what did I do next
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.