I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.