Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*