Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.