You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
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If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Very good! 👍😂
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’