boat question
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Things will get butter, keep churning
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Still my favourite meme.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected