HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit