Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.